What Ryan Gosling Is Probably Doing Right Now

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If he’s not shirtless, Ryan Gosling is probably at Oxford right now. When he discovered that James Franco had been accepted to Oxford—his 10th graduate school— to get a degree in Egyptology, Ryan got jealous and decided to also attend to see what the hype was about. The admissions process was super simple. Gosling submitted a grainy webcam shot of his penis and a letter of recommendation from his co-star Kirsten Dunst (“He’s really hot. Like really hot.”) and got an acceptance letter that same day from a dancing bear telegram. Right now, both Gosling and Franco are at student orientation, giving each other the evil eye. James is circling Ryan curiously, like a bird hunting its prey, and every time he walks past him, he coughs and a diploma falls out of his body. After one particularly “brutal” coughing fit, Franco manages to expel ten diplomas. After the orientation is over, Gosling gets the courage to approach Franco. Twenty minutes after introducing themselves, they’re drunk and fondling each other in someone’s dorm room.